• quick little update
2024/10/16 22:10
I'll probably add some place to put updates eventually but for now this is what we're going with. So, obviously me updating my page has significantly slowed down from when I made this page. I'll be real, it's kinda stressing me out to think about the fact that I am not as focused as I was. But I wont stop updating, and the only reason I'm slower is because I'm back at work. I also have a lot of other creative outlets. Because of this website, I somewhat learnt vector graphics, which I've always found to be a hassle. I also started 3d-modelling since i figured out that a lot of true y2k elements were made in old 3d programs. It's made me want to try to emulate that feeling of old futuristic tech for a lot of the elements on my website. But it's really really difficult (for me, who has the attention span of a rock, i.e., none at all lol. I don't really have the attention span to look at minute long videos unless absolutely necessary. So yes, I am absolutely shooting myself in the foot. But yeah. What I'm saying is, I get easily distracted. I am still eeping my page in my mind in all creative endeavours right now, but if I'm easily distracted, one project can easily turn into three others. Så, yeah. I am updating, but it'll be slower from now on, periodically it might be more frequent.
But!! I just got a new computer!!!!!! I started replaying Baldur's gate 3 even though I couldn't get mods to work (probably something to do with the newes update ans so on but yeah) and it's so fucking cool to go from having all previous computers lag for pretty much e v e r y t h i n g, to a pc that can run cyberpunk on almost the highest settings. aaaaaaaaaah. Alright. Bye.
• offline
2024/10/09 22:10
I haven’t been writing on here for a little while. I’ve started and abandoned at least ten blog posts because I either don’t know what to say or can’t figure out how to word things properly. Ugh. It feels like I'm just repeating myself in every post. But yeah, I have to put those thoughts aside and talk about everything that’s been going on. My whole life has pretty much turned upside down over the past few weeks. I think I’m finally on the way to recover mentally, but wow, it's been rough. I work at a sort of emergency care home for youth dealing with various issues (gang violence, drugs, troubled homes, mental health issues, etc.). Please give me some grace if I word things in a not so professional way or in a way that doesn't reflects the empathy I truly have for these kids. These problems obviously come from somewhere, and I always do my best to approach the youth with calmness and kindness in real life. I took this job because I come from a similar background and wish I had received some of the help available to kids and teens today, when I was a child.
Every generation has probably heard some version of one of the phrase "Kids today have it much harder." And I have to agree. The youths today aren't lazy, the pressure on young people is more intense than ever, and the expectations from older generations are massive, meanwhile it feels like the whole world is falling apart. Where I live, gang violence has spread drastically, and it's spreading to kids as young as 12 and 13, while the societal and political systems in my country isn’t keeping up. I used to think we had a decent infrastructure to take care of people in need, but it's unraveling more and more.
Like I said, I work at a care home with kids who have a wide range of challenges. But because of the laws, we don’t have the authority to do anything to protect ourselves or the kids living here. We aren’t allowed to search their belongings unless they consent. We can’t enter their rooms to check for weapons or drugs, even if we suspect they have them. We can’t even lock doors, ban phones, or require drug tests when we have strong suspicions. I understand why some of these rules exist, especially because there are private institutions that don’t always act in the best interest of the kids. But I genuinely believe my workplace has the best intentions, and we need to be able to protect the youth we care for. I’m so frustrated that we’re forced to just stand by and say, “Please don’t do that,” and if they don’t listen, well, ¯_(ツ)_/¯
While autonomy is incredibly important and I advocate for it, how is it that youths today are given so little but we expect so much of them? I wouldn't trust an adult with addictions to make decisions of someone of sound mind, why is it that it is expected of a youth to comply and make good decisions, if we can't make restrictions to protect them?
I'm sad and frustrated because I want to make a difference, but it's really hard sometimes. And the reason I'm writing about it now is because yesterday I had to step in and stop a fight between two youths. Even though we deal with youths that has a wide range of issues, having to stop a fight is pretty rare. There are major incidients happening, but it usually doesn't happen all that often. This was the second fight I had to stop in the span of two months and it was of course related to drugs and gang violence. The first one took me weeks to recover from, since I felt unsafe, tired and sad. Two youths, me and my coworkers all sustained injuries that night. I'm doing alright today, thankfully, and I don't feel particularily anxious to go to work tomorrow. The police arrived quickly and things calmed down relatively quickly, unlike the last time were it took them 30 minutes to arrive. But yeah. I'm tired. And I ran out of words about it, even though there's so much more to say.
Oh well. I’ve been dabbling in 3D modeling over the past weeks. I’m not very good at it, but it’s fun. I mostly work in Nomad sculpt on my ipad, but when I get my new computer I might try blender or some other program, especially for texturing. I've tried using blender before but I find it really difficult to use, and my pc is to old, so I have to work slow and can't really do anything other than sculpt. I think I just enjoy being able to use a apple pencil on a screen, you know? Even though Nomad Sculpt is a pretty limited software. Maybe I’ll post something eventually (other than my new header image), once I have the energy to give my website a bigger update. I'm somewhat struggling to find the time/energy to balance between 3D modeling, hanging out with my bf, playing balatro for 4+ hours and work. But I want to continue working on my website, I feel like it's given me some purpose and a sense of progression that feels valuable to me. But yeah. Bye for now.
• I'm just tired today.
2024/09/18 12:05
I woke up from another bad fucking dream today. I hate waking up crying. Waking up from a nightmare feels like my BPD-brain is trying to still find a way to hurt me. Of course I know that's not true. My dreams are just silly manifestations of my subconscious (more so now, than a few years ago) insecurities of loss.
I think I’ve demonized my BPD a lot. I suppose that’s normal, considering how much space it used to take up in my life. It used to control me, pulling me in all directions while being lost itself. It dictated everything I did and said.
But now, I’ve come to realize she’s not some otherworldly being lurking deep within me anymore. She’s no longer screaming in my ear that I’m unloved when I’m trying to sleep. She’s not telling me what to take offense at, what to feel sad about, who to love, or how to do it. She’s no longer a wildcat, scratching at anyone who reaches out. She’s not my perpetrator. She's not my grandmother. She's not my mother, anymore. She doesn’t seek comfort in the arms of strangers, in allowed violence, or in blood. She no longer threatens to end the world.
She’s me. She sleeps beside me, restless, easily woken by sounds, but calmed by a hand against a cheek. I can speak with her, reason with her, teach her how to do things differently.
My mood is low, though. Even though my bpd doesn't dictate as much, it can still throw me off. Tomorrow, I’m going back to work after 19 days off, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I keep thinking I should find a new job.
trigger warning: talks of suicide, mental illness
• Dear E
2024/09/11 21:35
I know that life hasn’t been kind to you. Life has punched you in the gut, kicked you, spat on you, mocked and laughed at you. I don’t know how you’ve survived, but I’m glad that you did. I’m sorry that I’ve prioritized other things over you, caught up in my own world. I regret that I haven’t been able to take care of you as much as you might have needed. It sounds harsh, but you don’t really have anyone else but me. You had your mother, but she couldn’t take care of you the right way. She never could. And now, as an adult, you’ve made the same decision I once made with my own mother—to distance yourself.
I’m proud of you, for standing back up, always, always. Even after everything, you dare to speak of hope and imagine a life where you can feel joy. I hope you’re not angry with me. I know you’re angry with your mother, and you have every right to be, but I’m not sure if you’re justified in disappearing completely. I’m not sure if you have the right to not respond for five hours when I text you and tell you that I'm worried, or when I call you more than ten times, fearing that you've decided to die. I don’t know if you’re allowed to do that after saying that you don't have the will to continue. I don’t know if that’s okay. You can do it, of course, but I’m so fucking sad that you did. It hurt me more than when you asked if I was one of those who had hurt you, stemming from your delusions.
Though you're not entirely settled in the same existence as me and most other people, I've been where you are, though not as extreme. And yet, I was never as hopeful, or wise. I'm so fucking proud of you. But I don’t know how to reach you when you shut down and lock yourself away. I don’t know how I’m expected to act in situations like this. I don’t know how to reach you. I hope you'll answer my call tomorrow. Please.
• Rotting
2024/09/07 01:21
All I did today was code and search obscure websites and looking at images for inspiration.
But I keep getting stuck just looking, saving, and categorizing. Once I set up a page for cool links,
it's over for y'all. (joking, I find most stuff by clicking around on various pages on neocities but yeah I'll definitely make a link page eventually) This whole thing with developing a personal website has turned into an obsession
over the last month. Honestly, I think I’ve spent more time coding than sleeping or doing anything else.
I’m used to getting obsessed with new interests and losing sleep over them, but this has taken hold of me
in a way I almost didn’t think was possible. I wake up excited, knowing I get to spend another day
learning, designing, and tweaking strings of code
that build up a website. It's so fucking cool, lol.
And still, though nothing is really out of the ordinary today, I’ve started feeling this growing urge to write, so here it is.
That’s why I wanted to make the diary page presentable first. I'm not very good at writing anymore—I used
to think I was decent when I was younger, but that was, you know, when I was younger. Even so, I enjoy
putting words to the mundane and going back to edit things, adding little details and descriptions. I used to
do that a lot when I actually enjoyed writing. I've spent the last few years becoming
more distanced with my own words and thoughts and mostly just venting in a personal blog-thread in a
discord server that I share with online and some offline friends.
I still feel a lot of pressure to write well-structured sentences and try to use nice-sounding words. I did
not struggle with the same issue when I was venting in a small little discord community, but I think
I'll just have to try and realise that this is just for me. I don’t have to write for anyone but myself.
This is _my_ little corner of the big unpersonal web. (Though, I fucking love how nice and warm and personal neocities feels. I wish I could have
been a conscious enough human being back in the day when geocities was a thing.)
Oh, and I almost forgot. I spoke to my aunt today. She seems to be doing well,
though she always sounds like that, even when I know she’s not.
She’s been worried about her my cousin a lot. I worry too. I should call her tomorrow.
• I'll get better at titles eventually
2024/09/04 13:04
I write a new shopping list every time i need to shop for groceries, despite shopping for the same ten items every time.
i think i just like the habit of it.
life has become more grounded now, despite the move, despite falling in love again.
i asked my boyfriend for advice on what to buy, since eating feels like a chore.
i tell him, "i realized i don't have any breakfast at home. (i'm okay)."
my boyfriend knows breakfast is the only important meal for me.
when i don’t get a response fast enough, i jot down a few things and hope inspiration will strike when i get there.
he eventually responds with "buy something tasty."
outside, the air is so incredibly moist that i immediately start to sweat. during the two minute walk to the store, i'm already soaked,
which might be fueled by the fact that i realise that i somehow forgot to drink coffee, just because i didn't have any breakfast at home.
i feel stressed today, like i'm running on a schedule, even though there's literally nowhere i need to be, except home.
i felt stressed that i messed up my morning ritual and i felt stressed because i felt like i should have done more today. well, at least more things that
makes me feel good, and my morning routine makes me feel good.
I think i just stayed in bed for too long
Tomorrow I'll see my boyfriend again. that'll be nice.
